I wanted to write more often, but with going back to work and caring for my now 5 month old, life had other things planned.
HOw do I feel about going back to work? well the side of me that is very competitive is very happy the part of my brain that loves to figure out puzzles is extremly happy for the stimulus, but then there's the other side, the new side of me that is being a new mother, that side is screaming!!: " how dare you!!" " how dare you go to work and leave your child!" "bad mother" and of course this makes my non- medicated PPD worse, but anyway my child is a happy one, being with my mother has been good for both of them, my mom is in much better spirits since my dad passed, she brings new life and energy to her and i'm greatful for that.
But, how can I get rid of these feelings?? I'm supposed to know better, being a doctor and all, but i dont want to try the drugs .. at least yet. I'm still breastfeeding, and pumping at work has NOT been easy, but you know ... my competitive mom side( and you know or you can't tell me there is no worse competitor than other mothers) makes me be ashamed because i'm considering formula now, my milk is going away slowly no matter how and continuesly I pump or meds I take.
soooo there it is, my baby is not gonna have the best start in life because I gave her formula... and my remorse starts.. Not that I truly believe that, it's just again, reading and knowing that breastmilk is better of course I wanted to do it for her first year of life, what parent does not want the best for their children.
but anyway.. it felt good to write this, to write and not hear a word back, it somewhat puts things into perspective, maybe like cheap therapy ... ha!
until next time.
