October is almost over!

WHAT??!! it's already October?? and it's ending already??

these past months have gone by like the rain, extremely fast. And what has happend in this time when I did not write a thing here?.

well let us play catch up really quick. I just got back to work at my baby's 5 months, was having MAYOR issues with it, but got over them ( of course I had some help from effexor, but that is another story and will blog later), she was staying with my mother at that point so it was great. After that month was over, my mother had to go back to work so it was my mother's in law time to be with her, and that brought many things along.... good and bad. Dont take me wrong my mother in law is very good and sweet, but it's the part of oneself that I had trouble with.

When that month was over she started daycare, only 5 hours a day in which half of that time is spent napping, but the other times are meant for early stimulation classes, because also she does not want to crawl,, not one bit of interest in that department, So now I run from work to get her and we spend all day toguether, she does not nap at home, so I can say finally I'm enjoying being a mother, ( I dont have to take the effexor anymore also, will tell how later) I still have some bad days, but they are now very seldom and apart.

Something happend to my marriage also.... something good, but of course we had to hit a little bottom for that first, but now I'm getting to know my partner in life in a whole new way and also he is seeing a new part of me too....

I will write more often know, I remember it feels good to talk into the nothing. I do wish I could enable the spell check in English ..

it would make things easier.. until next time..soon ..

first of many well, not so much huh?!!

I wanted to write more often, but with going back to work and caring for my now 5 month old, life had other things planned.

HOw do I feel about going back to work? well the side of me that is very competitive is very happy the part of my brain that loves to figure out puzzles is extremly happy for the stimulus, but then there's the other side, the new side of me that is being a new mother, that side is screaming!!: " how dare you!!" " how dare you go to work and leave your child!" "bad mother" and of course this makes my non- medicated PPD worse, but anyway my child is a happy one, being with my mother has been good for both of them, my mom is in much better spirits since my dad passed, she brings new life and energy to her and i'm greatful for that.

But, how can I get rid of these feelings?? I'm supposed to know better, being a doctor and all, but i dont want to try the drugs .. at least yet. I'm still breastfeeding, and pumping at work has NOT been easy, but you know ... my competitive mom side( and you know or you can't tell me there is no worse competitor than other mothers) makes me be ashamed because i'm considering formula now, my milk is going away slowly no matter how and continuesly I pump or meds I take.

soooo there it is, my baby is not gonna have the best start in life because I gave her formula... and my remorse starts.. Not that I truly believe that, it's just again, reading and knowing that breastmilk is better of course I wanted to do it for her first year of life, what parent does not want the best for their children.

but anyway.. it felt good to write this, to write and not hear a word back, it somewhat puts things into perspective, maybe like cheap therapy ... ha!

until next time.

first of many

wow, i actually started one of these....
I never thought of writing my thoughts or daily activities but for me this has been very therapeutic, during my pregnancy everything seemed possible in a positive sense of things I was lucky, let me rephrase that, I was extremely lucky, I had zero ZERO!! pregnancy symptoms, felt great, my delivery also was good, the pain? yes it was there and i felt it, believe me I felt it, but the hard times was to come... very hard..

It happend or it caught up to me about the 3rd day after my daughter was born, the "baby blues" yes I spent the next 3 days in a row crying and in physical pain, a pain that felt like I had been run over ten times by a car and after that kicked all over, I went to the doctor and she told me everything was ok and this is normal and to call her if this lasted more than 2 weeks. It somewhat got better or better yet I got used to it. Life passed, days became weeks and well, you know how that goes, now its been 4 months and if you ask me how do you feel?? I will answer "ok" and i will not be lying but I feel very different, I am mostly ok. But I get anxious easily and my body aches and I can cry on the spot, sounds like PPD? well maybe it could be, but I am in denial. The though of taking meds for this makes me cringe so I will try alternative meassures for now.

My daughter, let talk about her, she is my gift in this life. she makes everything worth it and a smile from her makes all the pain go away.

well this is the start, I'll see how this goes....